Saturday, April 22, 2017


Well it's safe to say I'm failing miserably.
Should I just stop setting such strict goals for myself?  I always get everything done and taken care of but at my own pace and maby I should stop with the deadlines... meh who knows.

Wednesday came around and once I got home from school I cleaned the whole house and straightened my hair.  

A man friend from out of town was here visiting so we made plans to grab some drinks.  

I'll admit, I wasn't sick but I definitely felt like I might be getting sick and a responsible person would have stayed home and ate soup and taken medicine and went to bed early but not this girl

I justified going out by telling myself whiskey was good for sick people.

Plus I couldn't resist wearing a bangin' dress and going out with a tall drink of water...
 I'm weak what can I say.

Anyway I put on my Jayne dress and got ready.

We went to Ciro's 
a Speakeasy hidden in an apartment complex off Westshore
pretty cool spot.

We had two drinks there and lots of great conversation and then headed over to Hotel Bar.
It just opened and I had never been there before but I was pleasantly surprised.

The decor was perfect and the drinks were strong.

I had a great time... until the next morning
when I woke up with a splitting headache and the cold I was trying to keep at bay. 
I don't know how but I managed to make it to class on time and looked halfway presentable.

I came home and basically napped and ate food trying to cure myself.  
The next day I had to go to the world languages colloquium at school for extra credit.
On top of being dreadfully boring the sickness had fully set in and I was withering away in my seat.

I came home and napped and barely got it together enough to go to work.

Now I am still sick, about to run errands, and then going to attempt to memorize my lines for a skit I have to do on Monday. 

This coming week is the last week of class, then finals, and then I will be free!

More fabulous and glamorous things will be happening more frequently and I cannot wait!

Until Next Time


Wednesday, April 19, 2017


So here we are on day six even though this is only post four.

Why am I so irresponsible!?


Monday was nothing to write home about, and honestly neither was Tuesday. 
I went to class on Monday and sat through some presentations and took a test then finally headed home only I had to stop for like 3 different things on the way... which is beyond annoying to me.

After the pet store, bank, and grocery store I finally made it home where I cooked myself the most humongous plate of food because I was starving and dont understand 
the concept of portion control.

I proceeded to eat the entire plate because I have no self control and then slid into my bedroom where I laid in bed playing on my phone for entirely too long.  

Finally I peeled myself up to finish home work and wash my hair.

Monday is hair washing day...
not my favorite.

I then cleaned my house and went to bed.
pretty boring.

Tuesday was almost the exact same thing except I wasn't feeling too hot so I laid in bed even longer until I finally just brought my computer into the room so I could accomplish something.  

I drank some theraflu and went to bed.

Riveting I know.

The only somewhat interesting thing that I did was spend some time crafting the most truthful yet cruel letter to my X.

All the things you think but never say.

Made me feel better.

I don't think I'll mail it even though part of me wants to.

We'll see.

It did make me feel better, so if there is someone you don't like or someone you wish you could tell off or whatever the case may be I highly suggest writing a letter to them.
Don't mail it or give it to them
just write it all out.

Or mail it, fuck them.


Monday, April 17, 2017


So yesterday was Easter and 2 days into my 7 day blogging goal I fucked messed it up.

I did attempt to make it happen but gave up halfway through, thank god cause I don't know what I would have posted.  

I was proactive and brought my camera so we could snap a few pictures of my outfit before brunch so I didn't totally drop the ball.  My friend actually impressed me with his photography
skills.  Unbeknownst to him he's going to be taking a lot more
pictures of me from now on.

So I woke up and started getting ready once the plan was in motion and did a pretty good job if I do say so myself.  I got ready in 1 hour...

I'm talking hair, makeup, outfit, and out the door. 
Pretty good.

So I headed to my friends house where we snapped a few pictures in front of the minuscule amount of foliage and high tailed it out of there to get some brunch.

Honestly brunch was great, the food was good.. nothing spectacular but better than what I expected from the place we went to.  Drinks were flowing, and I was having a grand old time 
stuntin' in my easter brunch outfit and listening
to these guys crazy storys.

Some of the shit these guys say is so horrible but its so funny and entertaining that I secretly enjoy every minute of it.
I do like to talk but I also like to listen... just depends on what is being said.

Listening to people tell entertaining storys or just be funny I'm down with but listening to people drone on about themselves, or politics, or pretty much any one thing for too long
and I completely zone out.

Anyway I was fully engaged and feeling pretty smooth after some sangria and suggested we go to TopGolf which was a great Idea.
I mean, I like to sit at the bar and talk and drink but that gets old
and I would much prefer to do an activity
and incorporate the drinking
into that.

So we headed over there to play some golf and man everything about the day was nice. 

Even the car ride.

I was genuinely having a great time cruising on a Sunday and blasting my jams.
So after the awesome car ride we got all set up and played some golf.

I. Do. Not. Golf.

So obviously I kinda sucked but I think I did pretty good for my first my whole life.
The novelty wore off after the first hour and halfway through my 
double Jameson and ginger 
all I wanted to do 
was nap.

We played 2 hours in total but by the end I was tired and doing horrible I just 
kinda gave up.

We left there and headed back to soho for some more drinks and played darts for a while.

This guy came up and was hitting on me so relentlessly I have to mention it.  I was with two guys and instead of either of them helping me as I screamed for help through my eyes they 
just laughed and enjoyed watching me feel uncomfortable.

true friendship.

It did make me wonder... girls (including myself) often complain about men not being agressive enough but the thing is it is always the guys that you absolutely do not want
to talk to that are the most agressive

Never the guy you want


This guy was just going so hard and I mean... in no universe did he have a chance but instead of taking the hint he just lingered until finally on his 5th pass around to talk to me 
my friend stepped in and just took him away 

It was kinda funny but at the same time I feel bad cause I don't want to hurt anyones feelings... 

Anyway after way too many drinks, golf, and darts we headed out

Chinese take out and Arizona ice tea

Honestly it was perfect.

Greasy food on a comfy couch while watching Catch Me If You Can was the perfect ending to the day

Leo is so good looking

Anyway I headed home and then sat on my bed in my underwear trying to upload and edit these pictures in a pathetic attempt to get a post up before it turned midnight.

I did manage to edit all the photos but then realized I was way to intoxicated to write anything 
and passed out only to wake up 5 hours later from a dream where I was
drinking ice tea. 

I was so thirsty I woke up out of my sleep and then laid there for about 20 minutes in denial before I got up to make something... I was procrastinating because I
drank the last of the ice tea before 
going to bed so I
knew I 
would have to make a whole new pitcher and that did not sound appealing at 5 in the morning.
I mustered up the strength and got my ice tea but then couldn't fall back asleep...

I see how that could seem ridiculous, after I re-read it I feel like I have to 
just say again... I hate water.  I do not drink water.  And anyone that wants tell tell me I'm
going to have health issues can fuck off.  I'm going to be fine and will probably live longer than all you water drinking acai bowl eating losers.

Story of my life.

Until Tomorrow 


Saturday, April 15, 2017

Existential Crisis

Today was a pretty standard day.  
I woke up and layed in bed for entirely too long looking on my phone which is nice because during the week I usually just jump out of bed and start trying to get ready really quick in order to get to class on time.

My Friday morning ritual has become me eating a giant plate of watermelon while watching last nights episode of Survivor

I love that show, after 33 seasons I am still thoroughly entertained.
Although the physical aspect is a big part of the show the psychology is much more interesting.
Watching how people make decisions, how they think, how they act, its just so entertaining to me 

Anywho after that I got myself ready to run some errands and drop a bunch of clothes off at this cool little place by my house.  They have regular stuff but also some awesome vintage if you take the time to look 

I have watched the documentary Minimalist on Netflix about 4 times now and every time it really inspires me to get rid of things I don't use, wear or absolutely love.

I have about 80 empty hangers at the moment... 
Sooo I have parted with ALOT of stuff

Although I do become pretty attached to my things it feels so good to let go of something that you know you dont really like or wear that much.

I only want to have things in my closet that I absolutely love and wear

Quality over Quantity

I would rather have 5 pairs of nice quality designer shoes than 50 pairs of shitty shoes from forever 21.  Same with clothes... I would rather have a few really nice items that where made very well, maybe they cost a little more but they aren't going to disintegrate the first time I wash them because they were made out of the cheapest material known to man by 3rd world children.

Anyway it feels good to get rid of things.

I found this amazing pink vintage skirt with little china dolls all over it. It was interesting on the hanger but once I tried it on I fell in love!

It fit like a glove and was sooo freakin cute I can't wait to wear it.  
I also scored an incredible pair of high waisted levis denim shorts, which is what I was on a mission to find because believe it or not I don't own a single pair of jean shorts.

I had been wearing the same pair for the last couple of years that I loved but I got paint on them while doing an art project last semester and finally donated them after realizing I couldn't get the paint out and it wasn't on there in a cool or trendy way.

After that I came home and edited the pictures from yesterday which took entirely too long because my computer just wouldn't let me upload them and it turned into a whole thing...

I was feeling so good all day but then I kinda got into this funk before work, just thinking about everything that happened between me and my X and man it sucks.

On one hand I wish I could erase parts of my memory like in eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
but at the same time... then how would you learn and grow?

This is where it gets tricky for me, I want to be optimistic and assume that people are good but when your constantly shown otherwise it makes that very difficult.  
It becomes this inner struggle over whether to give in and be jaded or not...
Obviously its a protection mechanism, like hey
Every time there is a guy in your life it ends badly and makes you sad ... so therefore

men = bad

The thing is, it isn't that simple and I dont want to go around assuming everyone is bad so Im trying but damn it's hard.

I powered through and tried to push all that out of my mind, chatting with some new suitors I hope are better than the last... but being fully aware they could be worse.

A bad night at work sent me into an even deeper hole.

The existential crisis hit around 3am and I just wanted to talk it out so I called a good friend back in Denver and we talked for about an hour and a half and it was good.

I like that she is very firm with her thoughts and opinions where as mine seem to waver from time to time... I think a lot of that has to do with surrounding yourself with people who think the same way.

I love a lot of my friends but sometimes listening to close minded people and knowing that nothing you say will ever change there opinion is frustrating.  Then I start to feel like everyone thinks that way and I'm the odd man out.

Then I reel it in and realize I probably am the odd man out, always have been, always will be, and honestly I'm ok with that.

I just get so wrapped up in my thoughts and then I get confused and then all of a sudden Im back to the same place I always end up

What is the point?

Why are we here?

Am I doing it wrong?

What am I even supposed to be doing... I don't get it!

And we all know there is no answer for that.  All I can do is hope that I meet someone who can live up to the expectations I have in my mind... which to me aren't really anything too crazy

I just get so depressed and sad and down on myself but I usually can get out of it and have to just remind myself that I am Fabulous!

And that is what I fell asleep thinking about.

Until Tomorrow 


Friday, April 14, 2017


This blog would be 1,000x more interesting if I actually wrote about my life and not random filler bs with half the details taken out which basically waters down everything I want to say.

I actually do enjoy writing.
If something is on my mind, If I want to say something or remember something or just get something out I always open the notepad app on my phone and go to town until I feel better.

People have suggested journalling to me but I never bothered because the thought of getting a book out seemed like such a chore... 
seemed like it would turn something I enjoy into work

It's been suggested so many times I never really considered writing on my computer let alone using my blog as a sounding board

well sounding board isn't really the right word

I'm not looking for feedback, while appreciated and welcome if received ... I just want to write..

So I was on my way home from a pretty full day and just going over the sequence of events in my mind thinking... huh pretty interesting day

"I have a lot of thoughts and commentary, I should write about it when I get home"

I'm aways so worried about people I am around in real life reading about themselves or a future boss coming across my mid 20's thoughts on the deep dark inter web that I always resist sharing in any sort of real way.  The thing is that I don't really want to do it for anyone but me.

I think writing is therapeutic and also just a creative hobby. 

I have decided to challenge myself to write about my day in as little or as much detail as I wish for the next 7 days.  I don't want to get too ahead of myself but I hope I can do it and hopefully once I make it a routine it won't feel so daunting.  I figure if I do make it the full 7 days I'll announce it and anyone interested can tune in



So my day started with silencing my alarm 3 times before turning it off and laying there in denial.  To be honest I don't sleep a whole lot to begin with but have been sleeping less as of late.  This morning was rough but I finally jumped out of bed with 9 minutes to spare before having to leave my house with enough time to make it to class.

Mad dash to feed the cats, get myself ready, and get out the door and I was only 7 minutes late.
The end of the semester is so close I can taste it, still lots of work to do but half the time I'm sitting in class thinking of a million things
 It feels like my brain is at max capacity for information.
I just can't retain anything else.

School, appointment, then home where I showered and got ready for happy hour drinks and food with a friend.

I was feeling myself.

(Me feeling myself even at this awkward angle)

I thought I looked so good,  
Until we got there and then I just felt really uncomfortable which isn't out of the ordinary.

I usually always feel like that, sometimes more and sometimes less but my friend pointed out that I could be ____________.

He couldn't remember the name and when I tried to look it up I found a bunch of different things from social anxiety to schizophrenia.

I'm pretty sure I'm fine just a little paranoid but if you know what the name for it is (if there is one) please leave it in the comments below.  

We went to Flemings and the food was amazing
My drink drink on the other hand wasn't all that and honestly
 I was pretty irritated they covered the entire rim in cinnamon... which was not mentioned 
in the drink description

I hate cinnamon

I thoroughly enjoyed he food, everything just tasted sooo good.
This might be because I haven't been eating as much and been stressed and sad and angry all other kinds of negative emotions from dealing with my X

Then we went to an interesting cigar lounge/bar I would never think to go to which was nice... until walking to the car where I almost fell

I pride myself in my ability to wear heels... I mean it isn't my most impressive talent its just something I am good at.
 I don't know what happened but
my equilibrium was all the way off
and I just started falling... and although I didn't actually fall it felt just as bad because I was flailing and trying to catch myself for a painfully long period of time.

I looked like a new born baby deer and it felt like it lasted forever

Either way I didn't actually fall but refused to turn my head because making eye contact with other people who may have witnessed such a tragic moment was just too much to bare.

I am just not that strong.

Anywho after licking my wounds on the car ride back I was able to power through the shame and we finished watching the big short.

I'm not into finance but it was a great movie.
Would recommend.

Then I headed home and here I am.

I would say the most interesting things in my day happen in my head, to be honest it's a strange place.
Things change from minute to minute and it's exhausting.

I was feeling great in the beginning of the day but then started feeling very angry towards the middle.
I tell myself to be a nice person and let stuff go but I'd be lying if I said I don't spend a lot of time imaging horrible things happening to someone who has wronged me.

or just annoyed me.

let me just say this.
I won't be the one to do anything

I would very much like to experience some schadenfreude in regards to a certain someone at the moment

P.S - I can see how many people view my blog and its a decent amount, you don't have too but it would be cool to hear some thoughts or commentary so don't be shy.

Thoughts on schadenfreude?
Always feel like people are staring at you in public?
dislike for cinnamon?
Ever fallen while wearing an extremely cute outfit?

Until Tomorrow


Friday, March 31, 2017


Please please please please please Please please please please please please please please please  Please please please please please lease please please please please
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say yes

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Commitment Issues

I've always known I've had commitment issues and it has definitely been 
a running joke between close friends, but I've never actually stopped and thought about what that meant.

essentially, commitment issues = fear 

Not being able to commit directly correlates to being afraid.

The older I get the more I am able to really identify and see how this affects my life... that It's the literal root of most of my problems.

I'm a dreamer, I fantasize a lot, and I am very particular which is a recipe for disaster all on its own, but sprinkle a fear of commitment in the pot and you might as well invite all your dysfunctional friends over for some I'm never going to accomplish anything stew.

I finally realize why having these extreme commitment issues is such a big deal, I'll never be able to reach these fantasies if I can't connect between having a want and completing
the necessary steps to arrive at the destination

Well that sounds pretty obvious of course but the problem is

I'm scared of making the wrong choice.
I'm so afraid of picking the wrong thing or making the wrong decision that I wind up not doing anything at all.

That is a problem.

Disclaimer:  I have accomplished a lot of things in my life and have in a round about way gotten everything I've wanted.. in my opinion I am doing much better than most people my age.  That is nothing to scoff at but I strive for perfection in all ways, therefore I will not merely be satisfied with good and am constantly trying to figure out how to arrive at the pinnacle of what I perceive to be ultimate success.  My definition of success is not purely monetary and I think it is possible to achieve success in all ways if you spend some time trying to figure out this crazy puzzle of life.  Ergo I am very hard on myself but I think if it makes me a better person over time it is a character trait I am happy to possess.

back to the regularly scheduled programming

The desires that I have are possible, I just need to commit to a path that will take me there.
This pertains to hobbys, ideas, school, family, and romantic life.

According to google there are 3 steps to overcoming a fear of commitment.
That almost sounds to easy but google usually doesn't do me wrong so I'll take their word for it.

Step 1 – Find the Desire Behind Your Fear. The first step is overcoming your fear of commitment is working out what you're actually afraid of. 

Step 2 – Fulfil that desire. 

Step 3 – Create a relationship that fulfill that desire.

Now whoever posted this clearly did not read back over for spelling errors but I won't talk too much shit since I don't always read over what I write on here 
which leads to inevitable spelling errors... 

So now that I have identified I have commitment issues that are quite debilitating in certain aspects of my life and my theory of "making the wrong choice so don't do anything instead" is clearly not getting me anywhere I need to try a different approach.

Actually commit to something.

and not just anything... some things are easy to commit to, others not so much.

I think I need to pick the one thing that I am most scared of committing to and just say fuck it
If it doesn't work out oh well but doing nothing isn't working out either
so I might as well see

I'm always so paranoid I'll make the wrong choice but thats getting old and I'm never
going to be able to make it to my impossibly detailed
and rediculously over the top dreams if I don't commit to the road that'll take me there.

Moral of the story.

Everyone has issues
you could totally choose to ignore them 
you can decide
to do something about it

Maby my next blog post will be titled "how committing ruined my life" but for now I am going to give the impossibly simple answer the the problem a whirl.

I'm sure that I am not the only one with a fear of commitment, anyone else have the same fear?

 If you are afraid of commitment, used to be but overcame it, have some advice, or just something random to say on the topic leave a comment below I'd love some input?!

until next time


P.S. - I saw Get Out twice this week and highly recommend you go see it if you havent already

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