Sunday, September 11, 2016

i say your name when your not around

I don't mean for everything to be so sad and glim on here but I like to think I'm capable of keeping it real with myself so while writing is therapeutic for me I also enjoy looking back and being able to see where I was at a certain time.  

Everything in my life is not terrible by any means and I am very fortunate in many ways but things have definitely been far from perfect.  I have a lot on my plate lately, like a lot of other people of course, but I find that my mind is more cluttered than I can handle.  Recent experiences and interactions have just left me feeling numb and empty.  People aren't perfect and while they may try their best it's more likely than not that they will fall short.  It just seems like thats what is happening with more people than I would like in my life.

I wonder if I build people up too much in my mind...
  Do I make them into this fantasy version of themselves that they can never live up to?  Do I expect more than I know certain people can give? Is this why in the end I'm always disappointed?

I don't have an answer to any of those questions but what I do know is disappointment is a hard thing to deal with especially when it keeps happening over and over again. 

I have been feeling sad and lonely but I think I'm starting to segway into the acceptance phase of all of this.  People fall to the waste side and I'm ok with that because if they do than they serve no purpose in my life.

Maby this is a time that I need to focus and get some things done without any distractions and actually put in the work.  

I watched a video the other day that really solidified my feelings about where I am in life.  I'm going through it and it's hard but no one is going to swoop in a give me everything I want.  No one can make me the person I want to be except myself.  So I have to put in the work in order to get what I want.  Of course I would be lying if I said its totally awesome because its not really, it's hard.  But so often people want things and they aren't willing to put in the work... and ya know, maybe in the past I was one of those people.

Waiting for the right thing to happen, waiting for another person, waiting to think up some ingenious idea that would somehow propel me into the exact life I have always wanted without actually having to do anything...but that isn't the way things work.

You have to put in the time and the work and I can finally say I am ok with that.

Also I have my cats and I am so thankful because fuck I would be one lonely girl without them.  Charles isn't perfect but he is the best snuggler of all time.  Every night he comes up and I lift up the blanket and he goes under and lays down right on my side.  How a little squishy hot kitty could make me so happy I'll never know but I guess its like they say ...

It's the little things in life that mean the most.

Until Next Time


P.S.  I just just finished the book Tweak :Growing up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff so if anyone is looking for a good read I highly recommend checking it out.

Saturday, August 20, 2016


It has been quite a while since I've updated this blog, and the reasons are endless but the top few are as follows.  I felt totally uninspired and really unhappy in Denver.  When you don't like something change it, at least thats what they say...who they are I don't know but it makes sense.  So I made plans to move to California and was beyond excited.  I had all these plans and goals for multiple things but one of which was this blog.  I had so many creative ideas for cool pictures and someone to help me take them but all that didn't pan out the way I thought it would.  Long story short I left California and came back to Florida.  Although I don't actually have any family here anymore it feels a little more like home than other places I've lived.

I drove alone with my car packed to the brim and both kitties on the passenger seat for 4 days straight.  As if the 17 hour non-stop drive from Colorado to California wasn't brutal enough my limits were about to be tested in more ways than one.  Every single step of the way something went wrong and it was utterly horrible.  From Charles pooping in the carrier, leaving my macbook in a hotel, given a room infested with fleas (thank god the kitties are hairless), having gasoline explode all over me, to having more breakdowns than it was a rough journey but I did eventually make it to Florida.

I was supposed to stay with a friend, at least I thought they were a friend while I looked for a place.  After everything I had been through I was so happy to be surrounded by a friend that cared about me but turned out that wasn't really the case.  Everything went downhill after about 3 days and I had to scramble to find a place.  I rented the first and only place I looked at because I just needed to get out of there.  It was really sad and disappointing to witness someone you considered your friend turn on you but it was also a lesson, so while I am upset I am also stronger.  

The place I rented is cute but it probably wouldn't have been my first choice if I had had the chance to actually look around.  The string of misfortune continued even after I left my friends house.  This place I'm in now was just fully renovated by the owner and I am the first person to live in it, so when I moved in there were soooo many problems.  The air conditioning wasn't working, leaking pipes, no w/d hookups, electrical problems, ect.  Dealing with all of that was the last thing I needed but what choice did I have.  I had workers coming everyday, in and out of my house all the while dealing with the moving company who was ripping me off.  I tried as best I could to argue with them but at the end of the day they had all of my things except the small amount of stuff I was able to fit in my car and I wasn't going to get it back unless I paid them what they wanted.  I finally did get my stuff after a week of sleeping in an empty house on a blowup mattress.  It cost over twice of what it should have been but there was nothing I could do.

My sister and I had been trying to plan a trip for the summer and had gone back and fourth between Thailand and a Euro-trip but had not finalized anything.  I read her my credit card number over the phone while driving through Louisiana on day 3 because I refused to look back and remember this summer for how horrible it was.  I know taking a trip to Europe while literally hemorrhaging money left and right while simultaneously being homeless may not seem like a good decision but I am so happy I pulled the trigger on it. After getting settled in my new place I left for Europe and was able to turn the summer of 2016 into more than just a pity party.  We went to Czech Republic, Hungary, and Serbia and it was amazing!

After decorating my place with some help from a friend and all the issues resolved it does feel like a cozy home now.  All of this happened pretty recently so it does make me sad to think about all of the people that let me down but I am also appreciative for being able to see their true colors sooner rather than later.  I am closer to friends and family, I have all of my things, I have my amazing kitties, and some invaluable lessons.  You can't buy wisdom and although I wish all these horrible things didn't happen to me I can say with confidence that I am grateful that they did.  I am resilient and I will use the close of this negative chapter as fuel for the fire.

Although none of this seemed like a good thing at the time I can see now that it was.  I am so happy to be back in Florida, be back in school, and get back to blogging.  I feel like a very creative person but with no actual talent which sucks but photography and writing is something I enjoy so I want to keep doing it for fun.  This blog was always meant to just be a creative outlet and I have to admit I've been discouraged a couple times by what people think about it, but I really just don't care what anyone thinks.  It may seem narcissistic to take pictures of myself but I think its fun and its no pressure because I'm alone when I take these pictures.  I don't have to impress anyone or feel uncomfortable or pressured.  I take pictures and write about my life because it makes me happy, so if you don't want to read it or see pictures of me then kick rocks.

There is this room that the woman told me was an office but I decided to make it into a little beauty room/fashion closet.  It came out soooo cute and putting the vanity in front of these huge windows is a perfect place to do my makeup with tons of natural light.  Overall the whole place is really cute, I hope that I will stop resenting the landlord soon and everything continues to work properly.  I always shyed away from over sharing or sharing anything real on here but it feels good to write something that matters so I'm going to make it a trend.  Every post may not necessarily be this long but who knows.

For anyone going through a hard time just push through because things have to start looking up eventually.  Try not to compare yourself to other people because you never know what is going on in their lives, and it may not actually be as great as it appears.  I had so many people message me how they were jealous I move so much and envious of me traveling but of course I'm not going to post a picture of me crying and cleaning cat shit out of the car on the side of the road during one of the hardest times of my life so no one will every know what is happening behind the scenes.

I originally was going to name this post The Calm After the Storm but decided to change it to Lull because life is tough and there will always be highs and lows.  The lows may be really really fucking low...but you have to power through it because the highs can be really really really high.

Lull: A temporary interval of quiet or lack of activity

I am pretty sure this won't be the last tough time I go through so lull seemed more fitting.

Anywho my beauty room is bomb and I am totally in love with it.  Furniture, outfit and makeup details will be linked at the bottom.  Stayed tuned, theres much more to come.

Until Next Time


For love and lemons Nighty from DOLLSKILL
Jeffree Star liquid lipstick in shade DollParts
Vanity & Lingerie chest from Pier1
Clothing Racks from Target

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Dreaming With Open Eyes

I always feel guilty for not reading more or faster, but then I stop and realize that I read more than most of the population so I guess I'm ok with that.

I recently read a couple of really great books so figured I would share. First up is an amazing science fiction novel that is part of a trilogy.  Red Rising by Pierce Brown transported me to this crazy distopian world where I became so obsessed with the characters and the story I couldn't put it down.  I finished this book so fast and immediately raced to Barnes & Nobles to pick up the sequel.

The second book entitled Golden Sun was also phenomenal.
The second book was just as great as the first one and I haven't read anything so enthralling in a while.
The character development is so detailed and perfect that they all seem so real.  I became so invested in them I even cried a few times… shhh don't tell anyone

I raced through the second one eager to know what would happen that when I went to buy the third one and found out it hasn't been released yet I was crushed.  Luckily it should be out in a couple weeks and I have already pre-ordered it so I won't have to wait.  It is titled Morning Star and is supposedly due sometime in February 2016.

These books are so well written and truly an amazing read from the very first page to the last.
I highly recommend picking up the first one if you need something great to read.

I am currently reading IT by Stephen King and I must say, I am pretty impressed.  I know I saw the movie when I was really young but I don't really remember and the only Stephen King book I recall reading was pet cemetery when I was like 9 or something.  Needless to say I wanted to read a classic and what better place to start than with a terrifying clown book.  The book is huge and the words are so small I feel like I'm reading the bible but I'm working my way through it.  I must admit it kind of makes me feel dumb, I'll read for hours and realize it was only 20 pages but the font is seriously small so I won't dwell on it.  So far its amazing and although I haven't finished it yet I highly recommend it if you want a good taste of something creepy.

Reading is good, so if you aren't reading find a good book and if you are congratulations on being an intellectual

A book is a dream that you hold in your hand.
–Neil Gaiman

Until Next Time


Saturday, January 23, 2016

Home Sweet Home

I have been back in the states for precisely 10 days and my sleeping schedule is still all wonky, but obviously the trip was worth it.

Now why would anyone share bad pictures or complain when they are spending two weeks vacationing on the other side of the world but let me just keep it real here for a second.  Of course I knew the actual travel time was going to be bad but goddam…

Sitting on a plane, in the same seat for hours on end really is grueling.  I would fall asleep and wake up and still be in a nightmare because I'd have another 6 hours to go, not to mention more flights.  On the way home I flew 9 hours from Abu Dhabi to Paris, and then had a 3 hour layover.  Thank god because on the way there I had a 1 hour layover which is pretty much code for "grab all your shit, get through customs/security, pee, and run to your next" gate which is most likely boarding by the time you get there and then sit on a different plane next to a different person for another 9 hours.  The 3 hour layover gave me time to leisurely walk, buy 24 macaroons, eat a sandwich, drink a drink, pee twice, and confirm that I indeed had a window seat. 

 I only really waited for about 30 minutes and just watched a couple youtube videos while everyone else stood in the longest line I have ever seen.

Still to this day I don't understand why people do that.  No one is going to take your seat, and why stand in line to beat people to the exact same place?

The only logical reason is if you have a carry on suitcase that needs to go into the overhead and your scared by the time you get on there won't be any room left, which does happen so that is a valid reason.  If you just have a purse and a neck pillow your an idiot.  

I sit and wait until the line is completely gone and then stroll on and into my seat.  As far as I'm concerned, the less time I spend on the plane next to a stranger, breathing weird smelling filtered air, the better.

Once I got on my plane it was 9 hours from Paris to Minneapolis and let me tell you… being on American soil felt pretty dam good.

No longer did I have to keep my phone on airplane mode and prey for wifi, I was home.  Going through customs was pretty easy but I only had an hour to make my next flight so it was pretty tight.  Between getting off the plane, standing in lines, customs, getting my bags, re-checking my bags, security, and getting to my gate I made it just in time.

My last of 3 flights was 2 hours to Denver and it was a breeze… especially since at that point I had now been traveling for a total of 23 hours.

How did I get that number you may ask? well I feel like just adding up the actual length of your flights isn't correct.  In my opinion you are technically traveling from the time you are in the car on the way to the airport until the time you have reached your destination.  It is all travel time.  So from the time my sister drove me to the airport and the time I was picked up in Denver I traveled for 25 hours.  An entire day basically nonstop, with little to no sleep, cramped, sitting next to strangers (one very big weirdo) and man was I happy to be home.

Traveling is awesome but being home is the best feeling in the world.  I missed my cats so much and thought about them everyday so that was definitely the best part of getting home, the second would have to be my bed.

The next couple days I spent getting my life in order which was a must.  Grocery shopping, cleaning, and running errands are among my favorite things to do so I wasn't mad at it.

Anywhoo it was a great trip and a very eye opening experience.

Now to plan my next adventure….

Niagra Dress in white By Laura Byrnes  HERE
Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick in the color RedRum  HERE
Iconic Lashes By House of Lashes  HERE

Until Next Time


Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Desert Safari

My sleep schedule here is so messed up.  It is currently around 6am and I'm wide awake.
Yesterday my sister and I went on a desert safari and when we got home I couldn't keep my eyes open.  After a hot shower it was over, by 10pm I was out.

My sister went on a desert safari with a different company so this one was a little different but she said it was better but also basically the same concept, I'll break it all down bellow.

We got picked up by a bus and then stopped at another location to pick up about 15-20 more people.  It was about an hour ride outside the city to actually get to the desert.  Once we got there the bus pulled onto the side of the road where about 4 white SUV's were lined up.  

They put everyone in and we were off.  Now I'm sure that these were mechanically altered to be off road vehicles but honestly they were just regular SUV's with a roll cage on the inside.  We were in the backseat of the first car and took off down a road and into the desert.  After about 4 minutes he turned off the road and it was on like Donkey Kong.

This shit was no joke!

We were flying up these sand dunes and going straight down or sliding down at an angle so fast it was terrifying.  My sister had explained it but I didn't expect it to be that intense.  We were literally flying around and grabbing those oh shit handles like nobodies business.  

We drove up this super high dune and the driver pointed to the right and said "LOOK CAMELS!"

Everyone let there guard down to look as he proceeded to drive down the steepest 90 degree angle sand dune of all time!

…There were no camels…

We literally were screaming like we were on a roller coaster.  Now don't get me wrong, I love roller coasters but this was different.  I was having fun up until then and continued to have fun while also being super nauseous and internally forcing myself not to throw up.  

Imagine a roller coaster ride that last for 15 straight minute with no fresh air.


We made it to an area full of camels, and I was just so happy to get out of the car.  They were eating and a few had little babies so we weren't allowed to get super close.  Our driver explained that they were all female and there is only one male

With a very strong arab accent "He is very lucky man" he told us with a smile.

One camel strayed from the pack and walked over to everyone.  I pet her and noticed she had some major eye boogers but was still cute.

I was able to snag one good picture with her before we were herded back into the cars for more dune bashing. 

It was definitely a lot of fun but was also really scary and neauseating.  In my opinion its mostly being in a car (which already can be nauseating) with 6 other people and the windows rolled up.  

Either way it was definitely an experience, although I was very happy when we reached the campsite and I could stand on solid ground while simultaneously breathing fresh air.

Once we arrived at the campsite there was some camels we could ride, and by ride I mean sit on and walk in a circle on.

I felt kind of bad for them constantly having to get up and sit back down every couple minutes.  I feel like they mostly stand and they're so big and tall that must be hard on their joints.  

We rode them anyway though, my sister got on the front and when they stand up it's crazy!  They put they're back legs up first and it is bumpy and wobbly and high up.  We walked in a circle and I actually enjoyed the sway and rhythm of the camel for the whole 2 minutes I was riding her.

Getting down was a little scary but once she was seated we scooted off just fine.  My sister and I pet her neck a little and said thank you to the camel for letting us ride her.  As we walked away there were so many people waiting to go I couldn't help feel bad for the poor camel but oh well.

As the sun started to set we headed into the campsite which was a huge circle with a stage in the middle.  Around the stage were low tables with cushion seats.  Around the outside were different tent areas with seating, food, drinks, bathrooms, and lounging areas.  My sister and I saw a tent where they would dress you in traditional Abaya's and Sheila's.

I was actually really excited because I wanted to try one this trip although I wouldn't buy one or wear one around because it isn't really the best thing to do unless you are Muslim.  The opportunity to try one on and take some pictures was perfect.  It is two separate pieces, one that is basically a loose gown and the piece that goes on your head is the sheila.  It can be wrapped many different ways depending on whether the women have there face exposed, mostly covered with eyes showing, or completely covered.

The man wrapped me and my sister with our faces exposed first and then we asked to do the whole face covered with only eyes showing.  I'm not going to lie, I was feeling myself in it.

I have seen plenty of women wearing them but I haven't actually been close to their face or talked to them so I didn't realize that the fabric is actually pretty sheer.  You can pretty much see through it if your standing close enough to the person.

In my opinion we looked good and it just made me think.  There are all these girls getting naked on instagram for likes, every other picture is of there butt and boobs but honestly you can still look good without showing anything.

I know I have my share of scandalous pictures but those are few and far between.  I don't think there is anything wrong with showing off your body but being completely covered didn't make me feel any less confident or attractive is my point.

After we finished our photoshoot we got some hot tea.  I tried a traditional date and we sat down to watch the belly dancing show.  After the belly dancer was finished we went and got food which was actually pretty yummy and then headed over to the fire pit towards the back.  There was a circle of chairs around the fire with hookah and a man giving everyone fresh coals while swinging a bucket full to keep them hot.  

They turned the lights off so we could all relax and look up at the stairs.

It was pretty awesome.

Before we left we got some henna and debated taking a picture with this dessert eagle but decided against it.  They got everyone back into the cars and took us to the bigger bus on the side of the road.  We drove all the way back to the city and after all that I was pretty tired.  That was an amazing experience and definitely makes me want to travel more.  I've always wanted to travel but going places alone as a girl is not something I am interested in and people are flaky.  I just have to make it happen this year, and I will.

Leaving to spend a couple days in Dubai in a few hours so my next update should be pretty juicy

Until Next Time


Monday, January 4, 2016

High Tea in Abu Dhabi

I have been in Abu Dhabi approximately five days now.  It's hard to say with how long it took me to get here and the time difference but I made it.

I left my house for the airport Tuesday, December 29th at 9:45am (Denver time), and did not arrive until December 30th at 8:30pm (Abu Dhabi time)

Needless to say it took about 24 hours… and it felt like it.

I flew 3 hours from Denver to Atlanta, had an hour layover which I had planned on getting some gatoraid, chex mix, and gummy bears but there was no time.  I made it to my next gate just in time and took off on my 9 hour flight to Rome. Once I landed in Rome, I pretty much only had enough time to use the restroom and make it to my next and final flight.  I was stuck in the middle row… and in the middle of 3 people on my 7 hour flight to Abu Dhabi, even though I specifically recall requesting a window seat.

After all that I made it.

My sister made me some noodles, I showered and knocked out.  

The next day we woke up and decided to go to the mall.
Lots of smells and lots of different people … 

We just walked around, checked out some stores, and people watched before heading home to get ready for New Years Eve Night!

We got all dolled up and headed out to Le Royal Meridian where my sisters boyfriend is a bar manager with her friend and got there just in time for it to turn 2016.  We popped a bottle of champagne at our bougie table and watched the fireworks.  We were then graced with the presence of a man with very little english trying to make me his second wife… that was about the time we decided to bounce

We went to another bar that was a little more casual where we stood front row and swayed to a cover band from England called The International Playboys.

Aside from fending off the very aggressive arab men it was a pretty great night and an awesome way to ring in 2016.

We woke up pretty late into the afternoon the next day, went out for some food, and just relaxed while watching movies.  The day after that we went kayaking through some mangroves which was fun but also a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Once we found the little way into the mangroves it was really peaceful and pretty.  We stopped and watched a bird pick fish out of the water while little black crabs did the same from below.

I wore leggings and a tank top because I didn't want a shorts tan but wound up with dark feet and ankle tans… not sure if thats better but I'll be laying out by the pool tomorrow which should fix it.

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate tanning, in reality I just hate tan lines but I figure I'll suck it up and soak up some arabian sun.  

Today my sister and I had "High Tea"at the Etihad Towers

The drinking of tea not only became a social event for the upper classes, it altered the time and manner in which they took tea. Afternoon Tea became the bridge between meals because many wouldn't eat their evening meal until maybe 8pm. As such, Afternoon Tea became a 'mini meal' in itself.

A possible explanation why this type of meal was called high tea is the fact that it was eaten at a table. In comparison, Afternoon Tea was taken whilst seating in low, comfortable chairs or sofas. Of course, soon after, the upper classes developed their own variation and also called it 'high tea'.

The lobby was soooo pretty!

We had a great view, and the lighting was to die for.
I've noticed the lighting here is very hazy and saturated… it's like theres a filter over everything.

Some chatting and sipping and eating was a great way to spend the afternoon.

It's funny because out of everything on this cute little display the most delicious was the bread, butter, and jelly on the top.

I don't know why but it was so delicious … along with the cold tea they gave us to start with

It was so yummy and refreshing, I'm going to try and recreate it when I get home.  
Working on those housewife skills

We went upstairs to see the sunset from the bar on the 62nd floor at a place called Ray's bar.  

The plan was to have a couple drinks and hang out but of course I started to not feel good so we had to leave.  I had to really debate it because I was having fun and wanted to stay but It wouldn't have been so fun if I didn't feel well so that was pretty lame but I had the gist of it.

I can't wait for some of the other activities we have planned, especially our trip to Dubai!

We had a great view of the Emerate's palace from the bar and it reminded me of Aladdin. This is definitely equivalent to where Princess Jasmine lived and I kinda dig it.  This is actually a hotel that boasts 114 domes that are each 80m high, a private beach, private gardens, 394 rooms and suites, and based on it's luxury, considers itself as going ''beyond 7 stars''

On the other side was a great view of downtown and we could actually see my sisters building off in the distance.  The sunset was super pretty but obscured from a building… nonetheless it was nice

Until Next Time


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