Sunday, September 10, 2017

Summer 17

I haven't updated this blog in 5 months.

Last I said, I was going to try and update multiple times a week but the truth is this has never been a social media gimmick or way to make it, I can't really stick to a schedule 
and it has always been a way to just vent

wether anyone reads it or not

Although everything is very cryptic and I hardly ever say any actual details, in my mind I think I can refer back to this in the future and be able to pinpoint exactly where I was mentally, physically, and emotional just by re-reading what I wrote.

I haven't felt inspired or inclined to write anything this whole time... 
partially because I have been really busy but also because I just have had so much happening I don't really know what to say about it.

I have had a better time in the last couple months than my whole entire year back in FL.

It's just a coincidence that I am writing this as a hurricane bears down on the state that I used to call home.

I was miserable, I was in a bad relationship, I was lonely and not only lonley I was physically alone..I didn't have anyone and I spent the year absolutely miserable

I was attending USF in Tampa and after the semester ended I went back to Denver to visit
hadn't been in a year...

I immediately felt at home and didn't want to leave

So I did something really scary and packed up my car and kitties and drove all the way back to stay with my friend Tiffany.

I didn't know anything other than I was beyond unhappy with where I was and something needed to change.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't scary, It was terrifying but I knew in my heart I had to leave and go back to a place that made me so happy.

Once I got here it was like a switch had flipped.

It is amazing how you can go from such a sad hopeless state to such a happy optimistic one.

I was going to counseling before I got here just to hold it together, I'm not saying I have it the worst but as far as my life goes it was a pretty dark time.  

Anyway

That is enough of a prelude, the last post I wrote was about a boy, he was totally meaningless but
important because he helped me get over my ex in the sense that I 
was once again aware that there were other people
in this world.

The world is filled with so many people, it becomes easy to forget that but he was a reminder


Nothing happened, I had a fun day and moved away.

Since..
 I met a guy that I really liked, did I think he was going to be the guy that I was going to be with forever..

hehe

NO.

But he was nice and open and physically appealing.

Kill me.

Anyway it wasn't much and I was all for keeping it casual because to be honest.  I didn't want anything serious.  Every intimate detail of my life before this point was so
nauseatingly serious it just wasn't an option.

I have hung out with a lot of guys this summer

because I'm young and I can and I just wanted to have fun.

People can assume whatever they want about what that means or what that entails but in all honesty it doesn't really matter.  Whether I lied or told the truth people draw their own conclusions which i've realized... and I'm fine with that

I really don't care about what other people think anymore.

A lot of things have happened to me between boys or men or guys or whatever people would like to call them.

I have always reminded myself after every shitty situation, after every let down, after everything to not let it make me jaded.  That was something that was really important
to me.  I always wanted to remain hopeful
no matter what ugly side of
themselves someone
showed
me.

I thought I was doing a decent job but tonight I realized I'm just a person and I really can't help it.

Its not about boys or guys or men or whatever..

It's everything.

It's experiences, it is everything that happens to you that determines your outlook on the world and how you handle situations.

I am just so tired of being disappointed.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, this isn't some one of a kind problem.

I try and forget about everything else I've experienced and give people a fair chance but I am always disappointed or hurt or whatever and I am honestly just so tired of it.

Whether your looking or not people manage to hurt your feelings...

All you can do is ignore the hurt and thank the universe or god or whatever you believe in that they let their true selves be known before wasting any more of your time..

That's really the only thing that makes me feel better, whether it's true or not 

Like anyone else, I wish I had answers..

Why do people do the things they do?
Why do people knowingly hurt others feelings when it can easily be avoided?

I'll probably never have any answers but I just felt like writing for the first time in a long time...




Monday, May 1, 2017

A Day At The Beach with a Bad Boy



My day started off a little hungover but after I accepted feeling like shit I peeled myself out of bed and started to get ready... 

I had school stuff I needed to do which wound up making me late and frustrated.
 Sometimes
I feel like I don't get to enjoy myself enough because I'm so busy with other 
things it can be really frustrating.  Than if I do take time
to have fun I feel guilty about it
because im thinking:

"I could be doing this or that or accomplishing something and I'm making a bad decision by deciding to have fun instead"

Sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself, and maby I am

Either way this was one of those moments when I just wanted to say fuck school, I just don't care I want to have fun... It't Saturday and its nice out and I made plans with this guy
I want to go enjoy myself, not sit in 
my house doing school stuff.


I did finish everything before leaving the house so I was late then I stopped at Mc Donalds for a coke and 2 has browns, I was craving it so bad because of the hangover...so that didn't
exactly help me show up on time either.

But the lady at the drive through complimented me and was so sweet than another guy came up and told me I was beautiful and that he was gunna make me fresh has browns and bring them out to me.  So I parked and waited a few minutes, which was worth it (also made me more late) cause they were delicious and he was just so nice and not creepy it made me instantly happier so thank you kind sir whoever you are for putting me in a better mood.

I eventually did make it and we grabbed a drink at a beach bar but decided to try another place because that place was lame which is weird because it used to be cool, the
location is great but its just sooo not cool now
plus it smelled like hot garbage
which was not the vibe
I was going
for.



We cruised around blasting music in an old vintage t-top semi recklessly which was scary but also so much fun.

I mean on one hand maby it was kind of ridiculous but it was cool for me.

The car was sooooo loud and everyone was staring which I was honestly living for... 


We went to another bar that was also lame but in a different way, then another one then to the beach where we were too late to rent chairs or jetskiis and finally did get seats somewhere else and that was fun but honestly it was a hot mess up until then... nothing was going right.

When I changed into my bikini he got all the way in the sand to take some pictures
 of me which was fun and cute
even though I felt like I looked like a potato in most of them some actually
did come out good.




 Once we were sitting around the fire pit I was happy.

After that we cruised around in the car, got some delicious food and just relaxed.

When he took me back to my car we decided to go for a walk on the beach because the weather was sooo nice and this beach has the softest sand I have ever felt.

We talked about aliens and life

and it was nice.

I got in my car and drove home in silence because I was just so exhausted and worn out from the day, plus I felt like my ears needed a break from noise since that music was 
definitely not playing at a safe level.

My poor little ear drums.

It was worth it.

Even though everything kinda went wrong and the day did not go how I pictured in my mind I still had a decent amount of fun.

Riding around in the car and sitting around the fire pit where my favorite parts.

Maby we'll hang out again, maby we won't.

I'm not sure but I am pretty stressed with finals this week and cannot wait to be done.
I feel completely drained.

I have nothing left to give.

I did take a few minute from studying to have a conversation with a friend about what exactly it is that makes "bad boys" so appealing...

The conclusion was confidence, masculinity, life experience, and overall badassness

Drawn like a both to a flame.

To be honest though I think the most attractive quality about them is that they usually have a troubled past, been judged, had some bad things happen to them which makes them
relatable, non-judgmental, and open minded
All appealing qualities 

But who knows.

It was just a fun day date, a little different than my usual straight edge type but different isn't 
bad.





Until Next Time




XOXO

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Dalliance



Well, I think It's day 10 and this is my 5th post.

Safe to say aliens or demons havent taken over my body because they would obviously be more responsible. 

I get a lot of messages and sometimes people bring it up what I write about in conversation
 and It is always interesting to me what people say

I had a request to be more detailed and that my readers want to know what happened on my date... 

inferred from the previous post.

I know I did not say it was a date or mention that my friend from out of town was a man but indeed he was of the male species and the date went well..as usual.

He travels a lot for work and when we're in the same city we always have fun.

tall with blue eyes.

We talked about life after death, existentialism, media pressuring woman to look perfect, traveling, poop, old movies... and probably way more but to be honest the four drinks I had might be affecting my memory.

Of course if I went into more detail on things other than our conversation everyone would eat it up but my mom reads this and I haven't yet decided if I want to make this into a full on Carrie Bradshaw sex column.




On that note I wanted to talk about men...

As I've gotten older I've learned so much yet I know nothing, how does that even work?

Me and my sister where talking about someones mom, who, when asked "how did you know __husband of many years__ was the one?" she said

He had a good job and was nice to me.

So simple.

Obviously there was probably more too it but not half as much as what goes into consideration when I think about who I would marry.

In this day and age, with technology that will allow you to reach someone in a mili second and almost 8 billion people in the world ... it seems harder than ever to find someone and then to really be sure about your choice

and I mean really sure.




Me and my sister started talking about it and this perceived notion of "true love" or what being in love is suppose to be like... and your constantly looking for this thing, but does it exist?

or rather, does it exist in the way that we picture it in our mind?

might we be missing the one because we don't feel butterflies...

Because right now there is this tall guy covered in tattoos with kids and im pretty sure an illegal career that gives me butterflies... but like... he is a horrible choice...

duh

I know that.

Then theres guys I really like, with good jobs, smart, funny, reliable... but no butterflies

What does that mean?

I delve so deep into these thoughts that by the end I just feel confused and I don't even know what I feel.  I wish there was some sort of weird mad scientist shit that would draw your blood and test it and then tell you what you really think and what you really feel and what you really want... am I the only person that can't tell?

I just want answers...

But the harder I try to get them the deeper I sink into this hole of unknown 




Is it really that simple
 just pick someone who has a good job and is nice to you?


Until Next Time




XOXO








Saturday, April 22, 2017

Pulchritudinous



Well it's safe to say I'm failing miserably.
Should I just stop setting such strict goals for myself?  I always get everything done and taken care of but at my own pace and maby I should stop with the deadlines... meh who knows.

Wednesday came around and once I got home from school I cleaned the whole house and straightened my hair.  

A man friend from out of town was here visiting so we made plans to grab some drinks.  

I'll admit, I wasn't sick but I definitely felt like I might be getting sick and a responsible person would have stayed home and ate soup and taken medicine and went to bed early but not this girl

I justified going out by telling myself whiskey was good for sick people.

Plus I couldn't resist wearing a bangin' dress and going out with a tall drink of water...
 I'm weak what can I say.

Anyway I put on my Jayne dress and got ready.

We went to Ciro's 
a Speakeasy hidden in an apartment complex off Westshore
pretty cool spot.

We had two drinks there and lots of great conversation and then headed over to Hotel Bar.
It just opened and I had never been there before but I was pleasantly surprised.

The decor was perfect and the drinks were strong.

I had a great time... until the next morning
when I woke up with a splitting headache and the cold I was trying to keep at bay. 
I don't know how but I managed to make it to class on time and looked halfway presentable.

I came home and basically napped and ate food trying to cure myself.  
The next day I had to go to the world languages colloquium at school for extra credit.
On top of being dreadfully boring the sickness had fully set in and I was withering away in my seat.

I came home and napped and barely got it together enough to go to work.

Now I am still sick, about to run errands, and then going to attempt to memorize my lines for a skit I have to do on Monday. 

This coming week is the last week of class, then finals, and then I will be free!

More fabulous and glamorous things will be happening more frequently and I cannot wait!

Until Next Time


XOXO

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Nefarious

So here we are on day six even though this is only post four.

Why am I so irresponsible!?

UGH

Monday was nothing to write home about, and honestly neither was Tuesday. 
I went to class on Monday and sat through some presentations and took a test then finally headed home only I had to stop for like 3 different things on the way... which is beyond annoying to me.

After the pet store, bank, and grocery store I finally made it home where I cooked myself the most humongous plate of food because I was starving and dont understand 
the concept of portion control.

I proceeded to eat the entire plate because I have no self control and then slid into my bedroom where I laid in bed playing on my phone for entirely too long.  

Finally I peeled myself up to finish home work and wash my hair.

Monday is hair washing day...
not my favorite.

I then cleaned my house and went to bed.
pretty boring.

Tuesday was almost the exact same thing except I wasn't feeling too hot so I laid in bed even longer until I finally just brought my computer into the room so I could accomplish something.  

I drank some theraflu and went to bed.

Riveting I know.


The only somewhat interesting thing that I did was spend some time crafting the most truthful yet cruel letter to my X.

All the things you think but never say.

Made me feel better.

I don't think I'll mail it even though part of me wants to.

We'll see.

It did make me feel better, so if there is someone you don't like or someone you wish you could tell off or whatever the case may be I highly suggest writing a letter to them.
Don't mail it or give it to them
just write it all out.

Or mail it, fuck them.






XOXO

Monday, April 17, 2017

Easter



So yesterday was Easter and 2 days into my 7 day blogging goal I fucked messed it up.

I did attempt to make it happen but gave up halfway through, thank god cause I don't know what I would have posted.  

I was proactive and brought my camera so we could snap a few pictures of my outfit before brunch so I didn't totally drop the ball.  My friend actually impressed me with his photography
skills.  Unbeknownst to him he's going to be taking a lot more
pictures of me from now on.

So I woke up and started getting ready once the plan was in motion and did a pretty good job if I do say so myself.  I got ready in 1 hour...

I'm talking hair, makeup, outfit, and out the door. 
Pretty good.




So I headed to my friends house where we snapped a few pictures in front of the minuscule amount of foliage and high tailed it out of there to get some brunch.

Honestly brunch was great, the food was good.. nothing spectacular but better than what I expected from the place we went to.  Drinks were flowing, and I was having a grand old time 
stuntin' in my easter brunch outfit and listening
to these guys crazy storys.

Some of the shit these guys say is so horrible but its so funny and entertaining that I secretly enjoy every minute of it.
I do like to talk but I also like to listen... just depends on what is being said.

Listening to people tell entertaining storys or just be funny I'm down with but listening to people drone on about themselves, or politics, or pretty much any one thing for too long
and I completely zone out.





Anyway I was fully engaged and feeling pretty smooth after some sangria and suggested we go to TopGolf which was a great Idea.
I mean, I like to sit at the bar and talk and drink but that gets old
and I would much prefer to do an activity
and incorporate the drinking
into that.
duh.

So we headed over there to play some golf and man everything about the day was nice. 

Even the car ride.

I was genuinely having a great time cruising on a Sunday and blasting my jams.
So after the awesome car ride we got all set up and played some golf.

I. Do. Not. Golf.

So obviously I kinda sucked but I think I did pretty good for my first time...ever...in my whole life.
The novelty wore off after the first hour and halfway through my 
double Jameson and ginger 
all I wanted to do 
was nap.



We played 2 hours in total but by the end I was tired and doing horrible I just 
kinda gave up.

We left there and headed back to soho for some more drinks and played darts for a while.

This guy came up and was hitting on me so relentlessly I have to mention it.  I was with two guys and instead of either of them helping me as I screamed for help through my eyes they 
just laughed and enjoyed watching me feel uncomfortable.

true friendship.

It did make me wonder... girls (including myself) often complain about men not being agressive enough but the thing is it is always the guys that you absolutely do not want
to talk to that are the most agressive

Never the guy you want

annoying.

This guy was just going so hard and I mean... in no universe did he have a chance but instead of taking the hint he just lingered until finally on his 5th pass around to talk to me 
my friend stepped in and just took him away 

It was kinda funny but at the same time I feel bad cause I don't want to hurt anyones feelings... 




Anyway after way too many drinks, golf, and darts we headed out

Chinese take out and Arizona ice tea

Honestly it was perfect.

Greasy food on a comfy couch while watching Catch Me If You Can was the perfect ending to the day

God 
Leo is so good looking

Anyway I headed home and then sat on my bed in my underwear trying to upload and edit these pictures in a pathetic attempt to get a post up before it turned midnight.

I did manage to edit all the photos but then realized I was way to intoxicated to write anything 
and passed out only to wake up 5 hours later from a dream where I was
drinking ice tea. 

I was so thirsty I woke up out of my sleep and then laid there for about 20 minutes in denial before I got up to make something... I was procrastinating because I
drank the last of the ice tea before 
going to bed so I
knew I 
would have to make a whole new pitcher and that did not sound appealing at 5 in the morning.
I mustered up the strength and got my ice tea but then couldn't fall back asleep...

I see how that could seem ridiculous, after I re-read it I feel like I have to 
just say again... I hate water.  I do not drink water.  And anyone that wants tell tell me I'm
going to have health issues can fuck off.  I'm going to be fine and will probably live longer than all you water drinking acai bowl eating losers.

Story of my life.





Until Tomorrow 





XOXO

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Existential Crisis

Today was a pretty standard day.  
I woke up and layed in bed for entirely too long looking on my phone which is nice because during the week I usually just jump out of bed and start trying to get ready really quick in order to get to class on time.

My Friday morning ritual has become me eating a giant plate of watermelon while watching last nights episode of Survivor

I love that show, after 33 seasons I am still thoroughly entertained.
Although the physical aspect is a big part of the show the psychology is much more interesting.
Watching how people make decisions, how they think, how they act, its just so entertaining to me 

Anywho after that I got myself ready to run some errands and drop a bunch of clothes off at this cool little place by my house.  They have regular stuff but also some awesome vintage if you take the time to look 

I have watched the documentary Minimalist on Netflix about 4 times now and every time it really inspires me to get rid of things I don't use, wear or absolutely love.

I have about 80 empty hangers at the moment... 
Sooo I have parted with ALOT of stuff

Although I do become pretty attached to my things it feels so good to let go of something that you know you dont really like or wear that much.

I only want to have things in my closet that I absolutely love and wear


Quality over Quantity

I would rather have 5 pairs of nice quality designer shoes than 50 pairs of shitty shoes from forever 21.  Same with clothes... I would rather have a few really nice items that where made very well, maybe they cost a little more but they aren't going to disintegrate the first time I wash them because they were made out of the cheapest material known to man by 3rd world children.

Anyway it feels good to get rid of things.

I found this amazing pink vintage skirt with little china dolls all over it. It was interesting on the hanger but once I tried it on I fell in love!

It fit like a glove and was sooo freakin cute I can't wait to wear it.  
I also scored an incredible pair of high waisted levis denim shorts, which is what I was on a mission to find because believe it or not I don't own a single pair of jean shorts.

I had been wearing the same pair for the last couple of years that I loved but I got paint on them while doing an art project last semester and finally donated them after realizing I couldn't get the paint out and it wasn't on there in a cool or trendy way.

After that I came home and edited the pictures from yesterday which took entirely too long because my computer just wouldn't let me upload them and it turned into a whole thing...

I was feeling so good all day but then I kinda got into this funk before work, just thinking about everything that happened between me and my X and man it sucks.

On one hand I wish I could erase parts of my memory like in eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
but at the same time... then how would you learn and grow?

This is where it gets tricky for me, I want to be optimistic and assume that people are good but when your constantly shown otherwise it makes that very difficult.  
It becomes this inner struggle over whether to give in and be jaded or not...
Obviously its a protection mechanism, like hey
Every time there is a guy in your life it ends badly and makes you sad ... so therefore

men = bad

The thing is, it isn't that simple and I dont want to go around assuming everyone is bad so Im trying but damn it's hard.

I powered through and tried to push all that out of my mind, chatting with some new suitors I hope are better than the last... but being fully aware they could be worse.

A bad night at work sent me into an even deeper hole.

The existential crisis hit around 3am and I just wanted to talk it out so I called a good friend back in Denver and we talked for about an hour and a half and it was good.

I like that she is very firm with her thoughts and opinions where as mine seem to waver from time to time... I think a lot of that has to do with surrounding yourself with people who think the same way.

I love a lot of my friends but sometimes listening to close minded people and knowing that nothing you say will ever change there opinion is frustrating.  Then I start to feel like everyone thinks that way and I'm the odd man out.

Then I reel it in and realize I probably am the odd man out, always have been, always will be, and honestly I'm ok with that.


I just get so wrapped up in my thoughts and then I get confused and then all of a sudden Im back to the same place I always end up

What is the point?

Why are we here?

Am I doing it wrong?

What am I even supposed to be doing... I don't get it!

And we all know there is no answer for that.  All I can do is hope that I meet someone who can live up to the expectations I have in my mind... which to me aren't really anything too crazy

I just get so depressed and sad and down on myself but I usually can get out of it and have to just remind myself that I am Fabulous!

And that is what I fell asleep thinking about.


Until Tomorrow 



XOXO

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