I don't mean for everything to be so sad and glim on here but I like to think I'm capable of keeping it real with myself so while writing is therapeutic for me I also enjoy looking back and being able to see where I was at a certain time.
Everything in my life is not terrible by any means and I am very fortunate in many ways but things have definitely been far from perfect. I have a lot on my plate lately, like a lot of other people of course, but I find that my mind is more cluttered than I can handle. Recent experiences and interactions have just left me feeling numb and empty. People aren't perfect and while they may try their best it's more likely than not that they will fall short. It just seems like thats what is happening with more people than I would like in my life.
I wonder if I build people up too much in my mind...
Do I make them into this fantasy version of themselves that they can never live up to? Do I expect more than I know certain people can give? Is this why in the end I'm always disappointed?
I don't have an answer to any of those questions but what I do know is disappointment is a hard thing to deal with especially when it keeps happening over and over again.
I have been feeling sad and lonely but I think I'm starting to segway into the acceptance phase of all of this. People fall to the waste side and I'm ok with that because if they do than they serve no purpose in my life.
Maby this is a time that I need to focus and get some things done without any distractions and actually put in the work.
I watched a video the other day that really solidified my feelings about where I am in life. I'm going through it and it's hard but no one is going to swoop in a give me everything I want. No one can make me the person I want to be except myself. So I have to put in the work in order to get what I want. Of course I would be lying if I said its totally awesome because its not really, it's hard. But so often people want things and they aren't willing to put in the work... and ya know, maybe in the past I was one of those people.
Waiting for the right thing to happen, waiting for another person, waiting to think up some ingenious idea that would somehow propel me into the exact life I have always wanted without actually having to do anything...but that isn't the way things work.
You have to put in the time and the work and I can finally say I am ok with that.
Also I have my cats and I am so thankful because
fuck I would be one lonely girl without them. Charles isn't perfect but he is the best snuggler of all time. Every night he comes up and I lift up the blanket and he goes under and lays down right on my side. How a little squishy hot kitty could make me so happy I'll never know but I guess its like they say ...
It's the little things in life that mean the most.
Until Next Time
P.S. I just just finished the book Tweak :Growing up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff so if anyone is looking for a good read I highly recommend checking it out.