Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Addicted to Fantasizing

I'm sure like many other people my Thanksgiving weekend was full of ups and downs... and while writing about the aftermath of a drunk night with my on-again-off-again boyfriend and his family at a shitty gay bar full of dusty drag queens in the Tenderloin would be highly entertaining I'm going to save that story for my book.  

What book? you might ask..

The book I fantasize writing about my life that may or may not happen because I'm horrible at following through with things.

That provides the perfect segway into what I want to talk about.


... and no I'm not going to go into detail about my ultimate sexual fantasy so put your pants back on...

I'm talking about these elaborate detailed fantasies I create in my head about an event or period of time that I replay over and over in my mind like a favorite movie. 

 I can't help it.

I know I cannot possibly be the only person who does this.  Everyone tells me to stop but I just can't.  

Trust me I know that having any expectations at all usually leads to disappointment but I just can't help it.

Do I need to write a screenplay for everyone involved in my fantasy...?  Should I send it to them in advance so they have time to study they're role and provide me with the ultimate satisfaction of my participating in my fantasy come to life?!

I cannot simply stop.

... although I'm sure there are ways I have to say that the entertainment and happiness I get out of crafting the perfect moments with me as the lead outweigh the crushing disappointment I feel when they don't come to fruition.

 When the guy who was suppose to be standing at the bottom of the escalator with flowers actually shows up 30 minutes late and you have to wait in the cigarette smoking area even though you don't smoke cigarettes because there is no where else to sit and your tired and then he finally shows but pulls up on the wrong side of the divider forcing you to carry all your stuff across 4 lanes of airport traffic and get in the car quickly because the police are threatening to write a ticket so you never get the satisfaction of the embrace that was suppose to happen at the bottom of the escalator, you are devastated ...

... And I was

I was devasted 

And no I am not over exaggerating...there isn't a word that could more perfectly describe the state of disarray I was in when every single thing went wrong and the fantasy I spent weeks, and days, and hours on the plane crafting and replaying in my mind over and over again just simply did not happen.

I felt empty and sad and angry and stupid for feeling all of those things but before I could catch it I was in this whirl wind of girl emotions.

I was like Alice falling down the rabbit hole... trying desperately to grab hold of a practical branch or a stop overreacting tree root...

but it was too late...

Down I went... falling deeper and deeper into the disappointment that my fantasy had not come true.

I know this may seem silly and trust me I am definitely living in the real world, and it sucks most of the time.  Maby that is why I spend so much time on these fantasies, because its an escape... a movie dream where everything is perfect and I'm the STAR!

I'm going to end this now before I start veering off and talking about some real weird shit stuff, but I would like to know some things..

Are you guilty of doing this?

Do you have a solution?

What are your thoughts if any on this subject?

Let me know in the comments below... and until next time


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