Sunday, September 10, 2017

Summer 17

I haven't updated this blog in 5 months.

Last I said, I was going to try and update multiple times a week but the truth is this has never been a social media gimmick or way to make it, I can't really stick to a schedule 
and it has always been a way to just vent

wether anyone reads it or not

Although everything is very cryptic and I hardly ever say any actual details, in my mind I think I can refer back to this in the future and be able to pinpoint exactly where I was mentally, physically, and emotional just by re-reading what I wrote.

I haven't felt inspired or inclined to write anything this whole time... 
partially because I have been really busy but also because I just have had so much happening I don't really know what to say about it.

I have had a better time in the last couple months than my whole entire year back in FL.

It's just a coincidence that I am writing this as a hurricane bears down on the state that I used to call home.

I was miserable, I was in a bad relationship, I was lonely and not only lonley I was physically alone..I didn't have anyone and I spent the year absolutely miserable

I was attending USF in Tampa and after the semester ended I went back to Denver to visit
hadn't been in a year...

I immediately felt at home and didn't want to leave

So I did something really scary and packed up my car and kitties and drove all the way back to stay with my friend Tiffany.

I didn't know anything other than I was beyond unhappy with where I was and something needed to change.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't scary, It was terrifying but I knew in my heart I had to leave and go back to a place that made me so happy.

Once I got here it was like a switch had flipped.

It is amazing how you can go from such a sad hopeless state to such a happy optimistic one.

I was going to counseling before I got here just to hold it together, I'm not saying I have it the worst but as far as my life goes it was a pretty dark time.  


That is enough of a prelude, the last post I wrote was about a boy, he was totally meaningless but
important because he helped me get over my ex in the sense that I 
was once again aware that there were other people
in this world.

The world is filled with so many people, it becomes easy to forget that but he was a reminder

Nothing happened, I had a fun day and moved away.

 I met a guy that I really liked, did I think he was going to be the guy that I was going to be with forever..



But he was nice and open and physically appealing.

Kill me.

Anyway it wasn't much and I was all for keeping it casual because to be honest.  I didn't want anything serious.  Every intimate detail of my life before this point was so
nauseatingly serious it just wasn't an option.

I have hung out with a lot of guys this summer

because I'm young and I can and I just wanted to have fun.

People can assume whatever they want about what that means or what that entails but in all honesty it doesn't really matter.  Whether I lied or told the truth people draw their own conclusions which i've realized... and I'm fine with that

I really don't care about what other people think anymore.

A lot of things have happened to me between boys or men or guys or whatever people would like to call them.

I have always reminded myself after every shitty situation, after every let down, after everything to not let it make me jaded.  That was something that was really important
to me.  I always wanted to remain hopeful
no matter what ugly side of
themselves someone

I thought I was doing a decent job but tonight I realized I'm just a person and I really can't help it.

Its not about boys or guys or men or whatever..

It's everything.

It's experiences, it is everything that happens to you that determines your outlook on the world and how you handle situations.

I am just so tired of being disappointed.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, this isn't some one of a kind problem.

I try and forget about everything else I've experienced and give people a fair chance but I am always disappointed or hurt or whatever and I am honestly just so tired of it.

Whether your looking or not people manage to hurt your feelings...

All you can do is ignore the hurt and thank the universe or god or whatever you believe in that they let their true selves be known before wasting any more of your time..

That's really the only thing that makes me feel better, whether it's true or not 

Like anyone else, I wish I had answers..

Why do people do the things they do?
Why do people knowingly hurt others feelings when it can easily be avoided?

I'll probably never have any answers but I just felt like writing for the first time in a long time...

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